Catching up, and Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes when I re-read the goal/vision statement of this blog, I literally laugh out loud at my own audacity. Who am I to think I'm the right person to tackle this subject? Who am I to even think that I can keep up with an almost-daily blog in the midst of this residency?! Because clearly, I'm struggling to do so. I'm struggling to even post weekly (at this point, MONTHLY), and the longer I go without posting, the worse I feel, so the more I avoid even logging in to Blogger because doing so makes me feel ashamed, and then the longer I go without posting, and so on. (This same thing happens with phone calls, by the way... so if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just... in the same way that I struggle with writing/posting paralysis, I struggle with phone call paralysis. When I forget to call back right away, I feel bad, so I counterintuitively and subconsciously avoid calling back because I feel bad and don't want the other person to be mad at me, until eventually a ridiculous amount of time has passed and then I just feel like a terrible person. Oh, shame cycles... how I despise thee.)

When this happens, it generally takes me a while to catch back up with myself and actually tackle the thing that I'm avoiding tackling. But eventually I stop. And I take a deep breath. And I remind myself that I'm human, and that that's okay. And then I dive in.

This has been one heck of a stretch of life. Working as a chaplain is hard, friends. You see a lot of sorrow every day, and when you're not with patients trying to walk with them through chasms of ineffable mystery (or charting, or writing papers/reflections, or supporting the staff who experience secondary trauma from this work), you're trying to chisel away at the protective facades you build up around yourself in order to become your most raw, authentic, vulnerable, open self. This has been a year of un-learning, of taking down the masks I didn't know I was wearing and trying to see the world, and myself, through freshly-opened eyes. Much of the time I've had to shield my eyes from the brilliance and immensity of what I've encountered here, like someone stepping out into sunlight after years indoors. As an introverted person with a tendency to saturate my heart with the joys and struggles of the people I encounter, I've found this (more than) full-time work incredibly draining and overwhelming, and at times I feel as though my heart is going to implode. Sometimes it just feels like too much to bear.

This has been one of those tumultuous stretches. I won't even begin to chronicle all of the things that have happened since I last posted so long ago, to spare both of us the tedium. ;)

BUT, I will apologize to any of you who still follow this blog and have been checking it occasionally, waiting for a word from me. I hope I didn't make you any false promises at the start of this journey, and I hope I've not disappointed your expectations too much now (though to be honest, at some point I probably will/already have, and such is the nature of life). I sincerely apologize, and I thank you for your patience.

Thank you for coming back to meet me here, in all our shared struggle and failure and beauty and triumph. I am no expert on a life of balance and togetherness. I'm no expert on a life of authenticity and vulnerabilty either, and sometimes I feel that I'm actually something of a mess. But aren't we all, sometimes, in our own ways? I guess what it comes down to is that if we can keep on getting back up when we fall, and keep traipsing along through my life we best we can, however haphazardly... somehow we'll find a way forward.

I'm going to do my best to dive back into this blog and post regularly for the next few weeks. Mudderella is right around the corner -- crazily enough! -- and I still have every intention of racing! So now it's crunch time... literally. I hope you'll join me on this next step forward.

With deepest gratitude,
Sarah

Thoughtful Thursday - postponed!

Hello friends. Those of you following will have noticed that I haven't been posting as regularly during this past week. Apparently it takes work to keep up an almost-daily blog! And sometimes, life just gets crazy. :)

There's been a lot going on this week, and I have a great deal spinning through my mind that I'd love to share with you... but I really haven't had time to process or write much. So Thoughtful Thursday is going to be postponed until tomorrow or Saturday. Thank you so much for your patience!

The lesson I'm taking away from this is the same lesson I share so much with patients: we need to be kind and gentle towards ourselves. So wherever you are this week, that's my hope for you - that you may be kind and gentle and loving towards yourself, and give yourself permission to be human today.

Take good care!

Tuesdays With Brene: Why We Need to Talk About the Things That Get in the Way

Here's the bottom line:

In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I'm not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp. I've done that and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to visit, but you would not want to live there.

What I'm proposing is that we learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp--where our worthiness waits for us--is much harder than trudging across.

"How to" is a seductive shortcut, and I understand that. Why cross the swamp if you can just bypass it?

But here's the dilemma: Why is "how-to" so alluring when, truthfully, we already know "how to" yet we're still standing in the same place longing for more joy, connection, and meaning?

Most everyone reading this book knows how to eat healthy. I can tell you the Weight Watcher points for every food in the grocery store. I can recite the South Beach Phase I grocery shopping list and the glycemic index like they're the Pledge of Allegiance. We know how to eat healthy. We also know how to make good choices with our money. We know how to take care of our emotional needs. We know all of this, yet . . .

We are the most obese, medicated, addicted, and in-debt Americans EVER.

Why? We have more access to information, more books, and more good science--why are we struggling like never before?

Because we don't talk about the things that get in the way of doing what we know is best for us, our children, our families, our organizations, and our communities.

I can know everything there is to know about eating healthy, but if it's one of those days when Ellen is struggling with a school project and Charlie's home sick from school and I'm trying to make a writing deadline and Homeland Security increased the threat level and our grass is dying and my jeans don't fit and the economy is tanking and the Internet is down and we're out of poop bags for the dog -- forget it! All I want to do is snuff out the sizzling anxiety with a pumpkin muffin, a bag of chips, and chocolate.

We don't talk about what keeps us eating until we're sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to numb and take the edge off, and full of so much anxiety and self-doubt that we can't act on what we know is best for us. We don't talk about the hustle for worthiness that's become such a part of our lives that we don't even realize we're dancing.

When I'm having one of those days that I just described, some of the anxiety is just a part of living, but there are days when most of my anxiety grows out of the expectations I put on myself. I want Ellen's project to be amazing. I want to take care of Charlie without worrying about my own deadlines. I want to show the world how great I am at balancing my family and career. I want our yard to look beautiful. I want people to see us picking up our dog's poop in biodegradable bags and think, My God! They are such outstanding citizens. There are days when I can fight the urge to be everything to everyone, and there are days when it gets the best of me.

[As we've discussed], when we struggle to believe in our worthiness, we hustle for it. The hustle for worthiness has its own soundtrack and for those of you who are my age and older, it's not the funky "Do the Hustle" from the '70. It's the cacophony of shame tapes and gremlins -- those messages that fuel the "never good enough."

--"What will people think?"

--"You can't REALLY love yourself yet. You're not _________ enough." (pretty, skinny, successful, rich, talented, happy smart, feminine, masculine, productive, nice, strong, tough, caring, popular, creative, well-liked, admired, contributing)

--"No one can find out about _________________"

--"I'm going to pretend that everything is okay."

--"I can change to fit in if I have to!"

--"Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?"

--"Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me."

Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. If we want to develop shame resilience -- the ability to recognize shame and move through it while maintaining our worthiness and authenticity -- then we have to talk about why shame happens.

Honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build relationships. I have more than one thousand letters and e-mails from readers of I Thought It Was Just Me my book on shame resilience, and they all say the same thing: "I can't believe how much talking about shame changed my life!" (And I promise, even if you're eating while you're talking about shame, you'll be okay).

Sarah again. Now we're getting into some of the heavy stuff - shame and guilt. And Brene is right! This isn't pleasant stuff, and most of us try not to dwell too much on our shame or where it has its roots. But I just want to add the thousand-and-first recommendation of this work, because talking about shame and confronting it head-on during the past three months has really changed my life, for the better. The shame resilience work that we will get our first taste of next week has been slow and painful, but it has brought me closer to my family, peers, and to God. Without having put in (and continuing to put in) this time, I know that I wouldn't have had the strength to start up this blog. So take a chance with me! Let's take an honest look at the things that really matter most to us. It all starts by having an honest conversation with yourself... so go forth and be bravely, boldly, beautifully human.

Meatless Monday: Bright and Bold Kale Salad

Conversation I had 5 minutes ago with Tim:

Me: What should I call my kale salad? This is the first recipe that I've ever really made up on my own. This is exciting. Rainbow Kale Salad? 

Tim: How about I-Don't-Know-What-To-Call-This Kale Salad.

Me: Nooooo, it needs to be special!

Tim: Why does it need to be special?

Me: Because I'm going to pin it on Pinterest and it's going to go viral!

Tim: ...

Me: ...Okay, tempering self-expectations over here. 

Tim: That's probably a good idea.

Alright, so I doubt that my beautiful kale salad recipe is going to be seen by zillions of people, BUT... it is special to me, because I made this up so it's a Sarah original. Huzzah!

Tonight after my workout, I grabbed a handful of pecans (yay protein!) and then threw together some of the delicious veggies we had in the fridge, and I was delighted by the result. This is a total powerhouse blend of fresh, raw veggies enhanced by the bold, tangy dressing. It's also very simple to prepare, and easily adaptable so it's a great way to use up vegetables you have sitting in the fridge. Hope you enjoy!

Bright and Bold Kale Salad

Ingredients:

• 5 stalks of kale
• 1/2 red cabbage, shredded
• 1/2 head of cauliflower (~2 cups)
• 3 carrots, grated
• 1/4 c. olive oil
• 1 T lemon juice
• 1.5 tsp. red wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar)
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. maple syrup (or your preferred sweetener)
• 1 T nutritional yeast (this is a staple for a lot of vegans, but if you don't have any then no worries

Directions:

• De-leaf the kale the kale and loosely chop the leaves. Chop the cauliflower into small, bite-sized pieces. Toss the kale, shredded red cabbage, grated carrots, and cauliflower in a large salad bowl and set aside.
• In a small bowl, whisk together the olive oil, lemon juice, vinegar, salt, maple syrup, and nutritional yeast, and pour it over the vegetables. Mix well and serve or refrigerate immediately.

Thoughtful Thursday: 11 Lessons I've Learned Since Joining A Gym

Ugh... what a week. I wish I had a brilliant, thoughtful post for all of you this week, but I'm once again finding myself feeling pretty drained and carrying a heavy heart. There was an infant loss this week that really tore me apart - please keep those parents in your prayers - and I've been doing some heavy processing of a painful ministry experience this week. Plus Tim and Babette are gone so the apartment is way too quiet and lonely.

So I've decided that in lieu of an intellectually rigorous piece, I'm going to give you something lighter:

(post originally written in January)

Welp... we joined a gym. It's a quiet little family-owned gym half a block away from us (because, let's be honest, if it were any farther I doubt we'd work up the energy to go!), and I have learned quite a few things as a result:

1. Never forget your access card!

Or else when you knock on the window and start miming for the gal on the elliptical to have mercy on your forgetful soul, she'll look at you with confusion and disdain and then ignore you and make you feel less than two inches tall and you'll have to walk the entire half-block back to your apartment for your card and then walk the entire half-block back to the gym and awkwardly and silently work out on the elliptical next to hers for the next fifteen minutes while you both pretend that the other person doesn't exist.

2. There's no shame in working out on the lowest setting possible.

...Although it is a little disconcerting to move the weights from 250 lbs. down to 20 lbs. and contemplate just how bulging the muscles are on the arms of the person who last used that machine. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

3. Do not compare yourself to others.

Especially your husband, or you may end up pouting on the entire half-block walk home after you excitedly tell him that you just went a mile and a half on the elliptical in record time only to have him casually comment that he just ran three and a half miles and barely seems to have broken a sweat.

4. Seriously, stop comparing yourself to others!

As you can see by numbers two and three, this has been a major challenge for me, but I've slowly started to learn that it's just not worth the time and energy to focus on other people's fitness levels. You have a unique body and unique goals. It doesn't matter what other people are doing in there, so let it go. (Unless they don't clean their machines off, in which case feel free to hunt them down and call them out on that nonsense. Because that's just gross.)

5. Have a plan and try to stick to it.

I'm not the most organized person in the world, so I was pretty resistant to the idea when my husband pulled out his Excel spreadsheet and started documenting his max weights and machine settings. But after a few weeks of stumbling around to whatever machine happened to be open or gave me the best view of "Wheel of Fortune," I realized that it actually helps to monitor your progress on a chart, so you can see the slow improvements you're making and set small goals for yourself.

If that's too intense for you and it's a battle to even GET to the gym (as has been the case for me recently), try to set a manageable plan for yourself. If a daily gym goal is too intimidating, go for every other day. If you miss more than that, forgive yourself and pick up where you left off. But I've found that structure helps me considerably because it's so easy for me to slip out of habits and make excuses, so try to stay consistent with your routines.

6. Establish time limits to keep from pushing too hard, too fast.

I never thought this would be a problem for me until the Sunday afternoon that I had the gym to myself and Sleepless in Seattle was on TV. I kept making up excuses to stay until the end of the movie, which meant that I did more squats than any human being should ever do within a half hour time frame. I barely made it up the stairs that day... but oh, the magical moment atop the Empire State Building!

Basically, pay attention to what's going on inside of you. Listen to your body. Push yourself to improve, but stop when your body tells you that you've gone too far!

7. Rest days are necessary.

Yes, you want to get your money's worth out of the membership. Yes, you're determined to run in that 5K or that triathlon. But your body needs to rest, and you'll only end up hurting yourself if you don't take the time you need for recovery.

8. Buy a decent pair of shoes if you can afford to.

I spent the first month wearing the crappy old tennis shoes that I'd been using for mowing the lawn back in undergrad because I was too lazy to clean the dog poop out of my newer tennis shoes and didn't want to track that crap into the gym. But footwear is essential (especially if you have back issues like me) so make the investment!

As for other workout gear... we're on a budget, so I haven't invested in too many of those snazzy breathable workout clothes and instead opt for old t-shirts. (shrug) But hey, if you have the resources and you find that the clothes help, go for it! And if not... invest your money in quality shoes.

9. Celebrate your progress!

Getting active, especially after time away, can be very painful and painstaking work. It's exhausting, and sometimes it may feel like you'll never be able to push through or reach your goals. Right now you may feel like you can't even make it off the couch! But celebrate each baby step along the way. Every workout you do is a step forward and an investment in your health and your body. Take good care of it, as best you can, and then reward yourself for taking this time (in the form of a rest day to do something you love, a yummy cupcake, a bubble bath... whatever strikes your fancy!)

10. Be kind to yourself.

Listen to your body, and love it for its strengths and for its weaknesses. Your body is working hard for you, every second of every day. It is the only body you'll ever have, a beautiful vessel and a precious gift. Nurture it. Sustain it. Wrap yourself up in words of love and gratitude, and surround yourself with people who do the same.

And lastly...

11. Reach out to the people around you.

I see some of the same people day in and day out at our gym, and have started making friends with a couple of them. This was surprising to me, because I tend to be pretty introverted, and the first night we went to the gym I almost bailed because I was intimidated by all of the people that were there. Yes, I know it's odd for a chaplain to be so people-phobic/socially awkward... but when I've reached out in ministry all day long, my introverted self needs to recharge by hiding from the world at night! Much of the time I just get into my own little zone, which is totally fine and in fact I encourage you to do that, if it helps you. But one of my favorite memories from our gym is chatting with a new friend over an episode of Mythbusters late one night. I don't even remember what we talked about, but it was nice to have some companionship and solidarity to break up the run.

So if you're able to join a gym, I encourage you to take advantage of the built-in community! Join a class. Say hello to the person on the elliptical next to you. Bring a friend. Ask questions, and ask for help if you're not sure how to use a machine. Basically, just get connected with other people who are committed to fitness. The best way to stay fit is to have a web of people around you (or even just one person) to motivate you, challenge you, encourage you, and hold you accountable. So don't be afraid to reach out! 

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight friends!

Workout Wednesday: Core Strength (the Winsor way!)

Welcome back to week #2 of Workout Wednesday!

For this week, I thought I would focus in on core exercises by introducing you to the gal who introduced ME to Pilates: Mari Winsor.

I don't really remember how or why we ended up with three Winsor Pilates DVDs, but I'm pretty sure it was my sister's idea. All I remember is that together we tried out this 20-minute workout I've posted below, and I got hooked! Pilates was the first workout I experienced that felt more centering than exhausting. Pilates, for me, became a form of meditation, a way of getting in touch with my body unlike anything else I had ever tried. As time went on, I felt increasingly strong and empowered too. Pilates is what I turned to tonight, after a really rough day, and I hope it's something that you'll find as grounding and empowering as I do.

This 20-minute workout video shows some of the basic moves of Pilates, and is the perfect place to start if you're a beginner to all of this. I'll post more advanced moves down the road, but even if you're a Pilates expert, it's good to return to basics and focus on form every now and then.

Enjoy!

P.S. See if you can identify my favorite quote!

Tuesdays With Brene... On Wednesday.

...okay, so I got behind already. But no shame and guilt here! It is what it is.

Here are yesterday's words of wisdom from Brene, on "Love and Belonging" and the difference between belonging and fitting in:

"As much as we need and want love, we don't spend much time talking about what it means. Think about it. You might say "I love you" every day, but when's the last time you had a serious conversation with someone about the meaning of love? In this way, love is the mirror image of shame. We desperately don't want to experience shame, and we're not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we're afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.

 

"Belonging is another topic that is essential to the human experience but rarely discussed.

 

"Most of us use the terms fitting in and belonging interchangeably, and like many of you, I'm really good at fitting in. We know exactly how to hustle for approval and acceptance. We know what to wear, what to talk about, how to make people happy, what not to mention -- we know how to chameleon our way through the day.

 

"One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and in, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

 

"Before I share my definitions with you, I want to point out three issues that I'm willing to call truths:

 

"Love and belonging will always be uncertain.

Even though connection and relationship are the most critical components of life, we simply cannot accurately measure them. Relational concepts don't translate into bubbled answer sheets. Relationship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, a space that will never be fully known or understood by us. Everyone who risks explaining love and belonging is hopefully doing the best they can to answer an unanswerable question. Myself included.

 

"Love belongs with belonging.

 One of the most surprising things that unfolded in my research is the pairing of certain terms. I can't separate the concepts of love and belonging because when people spoke of one, they always talked about the other. When emotions or experiences are so tightly woven together in people's stories that they don't speak of one without the other, it's not an accidental entanglement; it's an intentional knot. Love belongs with belonging.

 

"Of this, I am actually certain. After collecting thousands of stories, I'm willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.

 

"It took me three years to whittle these definitions and concepts from a decade of interviews. Let's take a look.

 

"Love:

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

 

"Belonging

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

 

"One reason that it takes me so long to develop these concepts is that I often don't want them to be true. It would be different if I studied the effect of bird poop on potting soil, but this stuff's personal and often painful. Sometimes, as I turned to the data to craft definitions like the ones above, I would cry. I didn't want my level of self-love to limit how much I can love my children or my husband. Why? Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than turning that light of loving-kindness on myself.

 

"If you look at the definition of love and think about what it means in terms of self-love, it's very specific. Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate towards ourselves. This is a tall order given how hard most of us are on ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I'm so stupid and Man, I'm such an idiot? Just like calling someone we love stupid or an idiot would be incongruent with practicing love, talking like that to ourselves takes a serious toll on our self-love.

"It's worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I'm convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survival instinct. Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionistic society and how our need for belonging is hardwired, it's no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain approval.

"It's so much easier to say, "I'll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I'm part of this." From gangs to gossiping, we'll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn't. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we're embraced for who we are."