Sometimes when I re-read the goal/vision statement of this blog, I literally laugh out loud at my own audacity. Who am I to think I'm the right person to tackle this subject? Who am I to even think that I can keep up with an almost-daily blog in the midst of this residency?! Because clearly, I'm struggling to do so. I'm struggling to even post weekly (at this point, MONTHLY), and the longer I go without posting, the worse I feel, so the more I avoid even logging in to Blogger because doing so makes me feel ashamed, and then the longer I go without posting, and so on. (This same thing happens with phone calls, by the way... so if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just... in the same way that I struggle with writing/posting paralysis, I struggle with phone call paralysis. When I forget to call back right away, I feel bad, so I counterintuitively and subconsciously avoid calling back because I feel bad and don't want the other person to be mad at me, until eventually a ridiculous amount of time has passed and then I just feel like a terrible person. Oh, shame cycles... how I despise thee.)
When this happens, it generally takes me a while to catch back up with myself and actually tackle the thing that I'm avoiding tackling. But eventually I stop. And I take a deep breath. And I remind myself that I'm human, and that that's okay. And then I dive in.
This has been one heck of a stretch of life. Working as a chaplain is hard, friends. You see a lot of sorrow every day, and when you're not with patients trying to walk with them through chasms of ineffable mystery (or charting, or writing papers/reflections, or supporting the staff who experience secondary trauma from this work), you're trying to chisel away at the protective facades you build up around yourself in order to become your most raw, authentic, vulnerable, open self. This has been a year of un-learning, of taking down the masks I didn't know I was wearing and trying to see the world, and myself, through freshly-opened eyes. Much of the time I've had to shield my eyes from the brilliance and immensity of what I've encountered here, like someone stepping out into sunlight after years indoors. As an introverted person with a tendency to saturate my heart with the joys and struggles of the people I encounter, I've found this (more than) full-time work incredibly draining and overwhelming, and at times I feel as though my heart is going to implode. Sometimes it just feels like too much to bear.
This has been one of those tumultuous stretches. I won't even begin to chronicle all of the things that have happened since I last posted so long ago, to spare both of us the tedium. ;)
BUT, I will apologize to any of you who still follow this blog and have been checking it occasionally, waiting for a word from me. I hope I didn't make you any false promises at the start of this journey, and I hope I've not disappointed your expectations too much now (though to be honest, at some point I probably will/already have, and such is the nature of life). I sincerely apologize, and I thank you for your patience.
Thank you for coming back to meet me here, in all our shared struggle and failure and beauty and triumph. I am no expert on a life of balance and togetherness. I'm no expert on a life of authenticity and vulnerabilty either, and sometimes I feel that I'm actually something of a mess. But aren't we all, sometimes, in our own ways? I guess what it comes down to is that if we can keep on getting back up when we fall, and keep traipsing along through my life we best we can, however haphazardly... somehow we'll find a way forward.
I'm going to do my best to dive back into this blog and post regularly for the next few weeks. Mudderella is right around the corner -- crazily enough! -- and I still have every intention of racing! So now it's crunch time... literally. I hope you'll join me on this next step forward.
With deepest gratitude,
Sarah
