Catching up, and Self-Forgiveness

Sometimes when I re-read the goal/vision statement of this blog, I literally laugh out loud at my own audacity. Who am I to think I'm the right person to tackle this subject? Who am I to even think that I can keep up with an almost-daily blog in the midst of this residency?! Because clearly, I'm struggling to do so. I'm struggling to even post weekly (at this point, MONTHLY), and the longer I go without posting, the worse I feel, so the more I avoid even logging in to Blogger because doing so makes me feel ashamed, and then the longer I go without posting, and so on. (This same thing happens with phone calls, by the way... so if you don't hear from me for a while, it's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just... in the same way that I struggle with writing/posting paralysis, I struggle with phone call paralysis. When I forget to call back right away, I feel bad, so I counterintuitively and subconsciously avoid calling back because I feel bad and don't want the other person to be mad at me, until eventually a ridiculous amount of time has passed and then I just feel like a terrible person. Oh, shame cycles... how I despise thee.)

When this happens, it generally takes me a while to catch back up with myself and actually tackle the thing that I'm avoiding tackling. But eventually I stop. And I take a deep breath. And I remind myself that I'm human, and that that's okay. And then I dive in.

This has been one heck of a stretch of life. Working as a chaplain is hard, friends. You see a lot of sorrow every day, and when you're not with patients trying to walk with them through chasms of ineffable mystery (or charting, or writing papers/reflections, or supporting the staff who experience secondary trauma from this work), you're trying to chisel away at the protective facades you build up around yourself in order to become your most raw, authentic, vulnerable, open self. This has been a year of un-learning, of taking down the masks I didn't know I was wearing and trying to see the world, and myself, through freshly-opened eyes. Much of the time I've had to shield my eyes from the brilliance and immensity of what I've encountered here, like someone stepping out into sunlight after years indoors. As an introverted person with a tendency to saturate my heart with the joys and struggles of the people I encounter, I've found this (more than) full-time work incredibly draining and overwhelming, and at times I feel as though my heart is going to implode. Sometimes it just feels like too much to bear.

This has been one of those tumultuous stretches. I won't even begin to chronicle all of the things that have happened since I last posted so long ago, to spare both of us the tedium. ;)

BUT, I will apologize to any of you who still follow this blog and have been checking it occasionally, waiting for a word from me. I hope I didn't make you any false promises at the start of this journey, and I hope I've not disappointed your expectations too much now (though to be honest, at some point I probably will/already have, and such is the nature of life). I sincerely apologize, and I thank you for your patience.

Thank you for coming back to meet me here, in all our shared struggle and failure and beauty and triumph. I am no expert on a life of balance and togetherness. I'm no expert on a life of authenticity and vulnerabilty either, and sometimes I feel that I'm actually something of a mess. But aren't we all, sometimes, in our own ways? I guess what it comes down to is that if we can keep on getting back up when we fall, and keep traipsing along through my life we best we can, however haphazardly... somehow we'll find a way forward.

I'm going to do my best to dive back into this blog and post regularly for the next few weeks. Mudderella is right around the corner -- crazily enough! -- and I still have every intention of racing! So now it's crunch time... literally. I hope you'll join me on this next step forward.

With deepest gratitude,
Sarah

Thoughtful Thursday - postponed!

Hello friends. Those of you following will have noticed that I haven't been posting as regularly during this past week. Apparently it takes work to keep up an almost-daily blog! And sometimes, life just gets crazy. :)

There's been a lot going on this week, and I have a great deal spinning through my mind that I'd love to share with you... but I really haven't had time to process or write much. So Thoughtful Thursday is going to be postponed until tomorrow or Saturday. Thank you so much for your patience!

The lesson I'm taking away from this is the same lesson I share so much with patients: we need to be kind and gentle towards ourselves. So wherever you are this week, that's my hope for you - that you may be kind and gentle and loving towards yourself, and give yourself permission to be human today.

Take good care!

Tuesdays With Brene: Why We Need to Talk About the Things That Get in the Way

Here's the bottom line:

In Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I'm not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp. I've done that and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to visit, but you would not want to live there.

What I'm proposing is that we learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp--where our worthiness waits for us--is much harder than trudging across.

"How to" is a seductive shortcut, and I understand that. Why cross the swamp if you can just bypass it?

But here's the dilemma: Why is "how-to" so alluring when, truthfully, we already know "how to" yet we're still standing in the same place longing for more joy, connection, and meaning?

Most everyone reading this book knows how to eat healthy. I can tell you the Weight Watcher points for every food in the grocery store. I can recite the South Beach Phase I grocery shopping list and the glycemic index like they're the Pledge of Allegiance. We know how to eat healthy. We also know how to make good choices with our money. We know how to take care of our emotional needs. We know all of this, yet . . .

We are the most obese, medicated, addicted, and in-debt Americans EVER.

Why? We have more access to information, more books, and more good science--why are we struggling like never before?

Because we don't talk about the things that get in the way of doing what we know is best for us, our children, our families, our organizations, and our communities.

I can know everything there is to know about eating healthy, but if it's one of those days when Ellen is struggling with a school project and Charlie's home sick from school and I'm trying to make a writing deadline and Homeland Security increased the threat level and our grass is dying and my jeans don't fit and the economy is tanking and the Internet is down and we're out of poop bags for the dog -- forget it! All I want to do is snuff out the sizzling anxiety with a pumpkin muffin, a bag of chips, and chocolate.

We don't talk about what keeps us eating until we're sick, busy beyond human scale, desperate to numb and take the edge off, and full of so much anxiety and self-doubt that we can't act on what we know is best for us. We don't talk about the hustle for worthiness that's become such a part of our lives that we don't even realize we're dancing.

When I'm having one of those days that I just described, some of the anxiety is just a part of living, but there are days when most of my anxiety grows out of the expectations I put on myself. I want Ellen's project to be amazing. I want to take care of Charlie without worrying about my own deadlines. I want to show the world how great I am at balancing my family and career. I want our yard to look beautiful. I want people to see us picking up our dog's poop in biodegradable bags and think, My God! They are such outstanding citizens. There are days when I can fight the urge to be everything to everyone, and there are days when it gets the best of me.

[As we've discussed], when we struggle to believe in our worthiness, we hustle for it. The hustle for worthiness has its own soundtrack and for those of you who are my age and older, it's not the funky "Do the Hustle" from the '70. It's the cacophony of shame tapes and gremlins -- those messages that fuel the "never good enough."

--"What will people think?"

--"You can't REALLY love yourself yet. You're not _________ enough." (pretty, skinny, successful, rich, talented, happy smart, feminine, masculine, productive, nice, strong, tough, caring, popular, creative, well-liked, admired, contributing)

--"No one can find out about _________________"

--"I'm going to pretend that everything is okay."

--"I can change to fit in if I have to!"

--"Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?"

--"Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me."

Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. If we want to develop shame resilience -- the ability to recognize shame and move through it while maintaining our worthiness and authenticity -- then we have to talk about why shame happens.

Honest conversations about shame can change the way we live, love, parent, work, and build relationships. I have more than one thousand letters and e-mails from readers of I Thought It Was Just Me my book on shame resilience, and they all say the same thing: "I can't believe how much talking about shame changed my life!" (And I promise, even if you're eating while you're talking about shame, you'll be okay).

Sarah again. Now we're getting into some of the heavy stuff - shame and guilt. And Brene is right! This isn't pleasant stuff, and most of us try not to dwell too much on our shame or where it has its roots. But I just want to add the thousand-and-first recommendation of this work, because talking about shame and confronting it head-on during the past three months has really changed my life, for the better. The shame resilience work that we will get our first taste of next week has been slow and painful, but it has brought me closer to my family, peers, and to God. Without having put in (and continuing to put in) this time, I know that I wouldn't have had the strength to start up this blog. So take a chance with me! Let's take an honest look at the things that really matter most to us. It all starts by having an honest conversation with yourself... so go forth and be bravely, boldly, beautifully human.

Meatless Monday: Bright and Bold Kale Salad

Conversation I had 5 minutes ago with Tim:

Me: What should I call my kale salad? This is the first recipe that I've ever really made up on my own. This is exciting. Rainbow Kale Salad? 

Tim: How about I-Don't-Know-What-To-Call-This Kale Salad.

Me: Nooooo, it needs to be special!

Tim: Why does it need to be special?

Me: Because I'm going to pin it on Pinterest and it's going to go viral!

Tim: ...

Me: ...Okay, tempering self-expectations over here. 

Tim: That's probably a good idea.

Alright, so I doubt that my beautiful kale salad recipe is going to be seen by zillions of people, BUT... it is special to me, because I made this up so it's a Sarah original. Huzzah!

Tonight after my workout, I grabbed a handful of pecans (yay protein!) and then threw together some of the delicious veggies we had in the fridge, and I was delighted by the result. This is a total powerhouse blend of fresh, raw veggies enhanced by the bold, tangy dressing. It's also very simple to prepare, and easily adaptable so it's a great way to use up vegetables you have sitting in the fridge. Hope you enjoy!

Bright and Bold Kale Salad

Ingredients:

• 5 stalks of kale
• 1/2 red cabbage, shredded
• 1/2 head of cauliflower (~2 cups)
• 3 carrots, grated
• 1/4 c. olive oil
• 1 T lemon juice
• 1.5 tsp. red wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar)
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/2 tsp. maple syrup (or your preferred sweetener)
• 1 T nutritional yeast (this is a staple for a lot of vegans, but if you don't have any then no worries

Directions:

• De-leaf the kale the kale and loosely chop the leaves. Chop the cauliflower into small, bite-sized pieces. Toss the kale, shredded red cabbage, grated carrots, and cauliflower in a large salad bowl and set aside.
• In a small bowl, whisk together the olive oil, lemon juice, vinegar, salt, maple syrup, and nutritional yeast, and pour it over the vegetables. Mix well and serve or refrigerate immediately.

Thoughtful Thursday: 11 Lessons I've Learned Since Joining A Gym

Ugh... what a week. I wish I had a brilliant, thoughtful post for all of you this week, but I'm once again finding myself feeling pretty drained and carrying a heavy heart. There was an infant loss this week that really tore me apart - please keep those parents in your prayers - and I've been doing some heavy processing of a painful ministry experience this week. Plus Tim and Babette are gone so the apartment is way too quiet and lonely.

So I've decided that in lieu of an intellectually rigorous piece, I'm going to give you something lighter:

(post originally written in January)

Welp... we joined a gym. It's a quiet little family-owned gym half a block away from us (because, let's be honest, if it were any farther I doubt we'd work up the energy to go!), and I have learned quite a few things as a result:

1. Never forget your access card!

Or else when you knock on the window and start miming for the gal on the elliptical to have mercy on your forgetful soul, she'll look at you with confusion and disdain and then ignore you and make you feel less than two inches tall and you'll have to walk the entire half-block back to your apartment for your card and then walk the entire half-block back to the gym and awkwardly and silently work out on the elliptical next to hers for the next fifteen minutes while you both pretend that the other person doesn't exist.

2. There's no shame in working out on the lowest setting possible.

...Although it is a little disconcerting to move the weights from 250 lbs. down to 20 lbs. and contemplate just how bulging the muscles are on the arms of the person who last used that machine. But we all have to start somewhere, right?

3. Do not compare yourself to others.

Especially your husband, or you may end up pouting on the entire half-block walk home after you excitedly tell him that you just went a mile and a half on the elliptical in record time only to have him casually comment that he just ran three and a half miles and barely seems to have broken a sweat.

4. Seriously, stop comparing yourself to others!

As you can see by numbers two and three, this has been a major challenge for me, but I've slowly started to learn that it's just not worth the time and energy to focus on other people's fitness levels. You have a unique body and unique goals. It doesn't matter what other people are doing in there, so let it go. (Unless they don't clean their machines off, in which case feel free to hunt them down and call them out on that nonsense. Because that's just gross.)

5. Have a plan and try to stick to it.

I'm not the most organized person in the world, so I was pretty resistant to the idea when my husband pulled out his Excel spreadsheet and started documenting his max weights and machine settings. But after a few weeks of stumbling around to whatever machine happened to be open or gave me the best view of "Wheel of Fortune," I realized that it actually helps to monitor your progress on a chart, so you can see the slow improvements you're making and set small goals for yourself.

If that's too intense for you and it's a battle to even GET to the gym (as has been the case for me recently), try to set a manageable plan for yourself. If a daily gym goal is too intimidating, go for every other day. If you miss more than that, forgive yourself and pick up where you left off. But I've found that structure helps me considerably because it's so easy for me to slip out of habits and make excuses, so try to stay consistent with your routines.

6. Establish time limits to keep from pushing too hard, too fast.

I never thought this would be a problem for me until the Sunday afternoon that I had the gym to myself and Sleepless in Seattle was on TV. I kept making up excuses to stay until the end of the movie, which meant that I did more squats than any human being should ever do within a half hour time frame. I barely made it up the stairs that day... but oh, the magical moment atop the Empire State Building!

Basically, pay attention to what's going on inside of you. Listen to your body. Push yourself to improve, but stop when your body tells you that you've gone too far!

7. Rest days are necessary.

Yes, you want to get your money's worth out of the membership. Yes, you're determined to run in that 5K or that triathlon. But your body needs to rest, and you'll only end up hurting yourself if you don't take the time you need for recovery.

8. Buy a decent pair of shoes if you can afford to.

I spent the first month wearing the crappy old tennis shoes that I'd been using for mowing the lawn back in undergrad because I was too lazy to clean the dog poop out of my newer tennis shoes and didn't want to track that crap into the gym. But footwear is essential (especially if you have back issues like me) so make the investment!

As for other workout gear... we're on a budget, so I haven't invested in too many of those snazzy breathable workout clothes and instead opt for old t-shirts. (shrug) But hey, if you have the resources and you find that the clothes help, go for it! And if not... invest your money in quality shoes.

9. Celebrate your progress!

Getting active, especially after time away, can be very painful and painstaking work. It's exhausting, and sometimes it may feel like you'll never be able to push through or reach your goals. Right now you may feel like you can't even make it off the couch! But celebrate each baby step along the way. Every workout you do is a step forward and an investment in your health and your body. Take good care of it, as best you can, and then reward yourself for taking this time (in the form of a rest day to do something you love, a yummy cupcake, a bubble bath... whatever strikes your fancy!)

10. Be kind to yourself.

Listen to your body, and love it for its strengths and for its weaknesses. Your body is working hard for you, every second of every day. It is the only body you'll ever have, a beautiful vessel and a precious gift. Nurture it. Sustain it. Wrap yourself up in words of love and gratitude, and surround yourself with people who do the same.

And lastly...

11. Reach out to the people around you.

I see some of the same people day in and day out at our gym, and have started making friends with a couple of them. This was surprising to me, because I tend to be pretty introverted, and the first night we went to the gym I almost bailed because I was intimidated by all of the people that were there. Yes, I know it's odd for a chaplain to be so people-phobic/socially awkward... but when I've reached out in ministry all day long, my introverted self needs to recharge by hiding from the world at night! Much of the time I just get into my own little zone, which is totally fine and in fact I encourage you to do that, if it helps you. But one of my favorite memories from our gym is chatting with a new friend over an episode of Mythbusters late one night. I don't even remember what we talked about, but it was nice to have some companionship and solidarity to break up the run.

So if you're able to join a gym, I encourage you to take advantage of the built-in community! Join a class. Say hello to the person on the elliptical next to you. Bring a friend. Ask questions, and ask for help if you're not sure how to use a machine. Basically, just get connected with other people who are committed to fitness. The best way to stay fit is to have a web of people around you (or even just one person) to motivate you, challenge you, encourage you, and hold you accountable. So don't be afraid to reach out! 

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight friends!

Workout Wednesday: Core Strength (the Winsor way!)

Welcome back to week #2 of Workout Wednesday!

For this week, I thought I would focus in on core exercises by introducing you to the gal who introduced ME to Pilates: Mari Winsor.

I don't really remember how or why we ended up with three Winsor Pilates DVDs, but I'm pretty sure it was my sister's idea. All I remember is that together we tried out this 20-minute workout I've posted below, and I got hooked! Pilates was the first workout I experienced that felt more centering than exhausting. Pilates, for me, became a form of meditation, a way of getting in touch with my body unlike anything else I had ever tried. As time went on, I felt increasingly strong and empowered too. Pilates is what I turned to tonight, after a really rough day, and I hope it's something that you'll find as grounding and empowering as I do.

This 20-minute workout video shows some of the basic moves of Pilates, and is the perfect place to start if you're a beginner to all of this. I'll post more advanced moves down the road, but even if you're a Pilates expert, it's good to return to basics and focus on form every now and then.

Enjoy!

P.S. See if you can identify my favorite quote!

Tuesdays With Brene... On Wednesday.

...okay, so I got behind already. But no shame and guilt here! It is what it is.

Here are yesterday's words of wisdom from Brene, on "Love and Belonging" and the difference between belonging and fitting in:

"As much as we need and want love, we don't spend much time talking about what it means. Think about it. You might say "I love you" every day, but when's the last time you had a serious conversation with someone about the meaning of love? In this way, love is the mirror image of shame. We desperately don't want to experience shame, and we're not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we're afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.

 

"Belonging is another topic that is essential to the human experience but rarely discussed.

 

"Most of us use the terms fitting in and belonging interchangeably, and like many of you, I'm really good at fitting in. We know exactly how to hustle for approval and acceptance. We know what to wear, what to talk about, how to make people happy, what not to mention -- we know how to chameleon our way through the day.

 

"One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and in, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.

 

"Before I share my definitions with you, I want to point out three issues that I'm willing to call truths:

 

"Love and belonging will always be uncertain.

Even though connection and relationship are the most critical components of life, we simply cannot accurately measure them. Relational concepts don't translate into bubbled answer sheets. Relationship and connection happen in an indefinable space between people, a space that will never be fully known or understood by us. Everyone who risks explaining love and belonging is hopefully doing the best they can to answer an unanswerable question. Myself included.

 

"Love belongs with belonging.

 One of the most surprising things that unfolded in my research is the pairing of certain terms. I can't separate the concepts of love and belonging because when people spoke of one, they always talked about the other. When emotions or experiences are so tightly woven together in people's stories that they don't speak of one without the other, it's not an accidental entanglement; it's an intentional knot. Love belongs with belonging.

 

"Of this, I am actually certain. After collecting thousands of stories, I'm willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. There are certainly other causes of illness, numbing, and hurt, but the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.

 

"It took me three years to whittle these definitions and concepts from a decade of interviews. Let's take a look.

 

"Love:

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

 

"Belonging

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

 

"One reason that it takes me so long to develop these concepts is that I often don't want them to be true. It would be different if I studied the effect of bird poop on potting soil, but this stuff's personal and often painful. Sometimes, as I turned to the data to craft definitions like the ones above, I would cry. I didn't want my level of self-love to limit how much I can love my children or my husband. Why? Because loving them and accepting their imperfections is much easier than turning that light of loving-kindness on myself.

 

"If you look at the definition of love and think about what it means in terms of self-love, it's very specific. Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate towards ourselves. This is a tall order given how hard most of us are on ourselves. I know I can talk to myself in ways that I would never consider talking to another person. How many of us are quick to think, God, I'm so stupid and Man, I'm such an idiot? Just like calling someone we love stupid or an idiot would be incongruent with practicing love, talking like that to ourselves takes a serious toll on our self-love.

"It's worth noting that I use the words innate and primal in the definition of belonging. I'm convinced that belonging is in our DNA, most likely connected to our most primitive survival instinct. Given how difficult it is to cultivate self-acceptance in our perfectionistic society and how our need for belonging is hardwired, it's no wonder that we spend our lives trying to fit in and gain approval.

"It's so much easier to say, "I'll be whoever or whatever you need me to be, as long as I feel like I'm part of this." From gangs to gossiping, we'll do what it takes to fit in if we believe it will meet our need for belonging. But it doesn't. We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we're embraced for who we are."

Meatless Mondays: St. Patty's Day Edition!

Happy St. Patrick's Day, friends!

In honor of my parents, who are actually in Ireland (and probably enjoying a pint of Guinness as we speak!), I wanted to post a classic Irish dish, vegetarianized: Shepherd's Pie. Tim and I have tried one version that we didn't like very much, so this year we're planning to try making this recipe. I'm a little uncomfortable sharing a recipe I haven't actually tried before with all of you... but we can experiment with it together!

Vegetarian Shepherd's Pie
(Serves 8)

Ingredients

• 1.5 cups low-sodium mushroom broth (or vegetable broth)
• 1/3 cup dry red wine
• 1 T tomato paste
• 1 T all-purpose flour
• 3/4 oz. dried porcini mushrooms
• 3 lbs. Russet potatoes, peeled and cut into large dice
• 5 T unsalted butter
• 2 lbs. crimini mushrooms, stemmed and quartered
• Salt and freshly-ground pepper
• 1/2 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
• 3 medium celery stalks, finely chopped
• 5 medium garlic cloves, finely chopped
• 1 medium celery root (celeriac), peeled and diced -- but don't worry if you can't find it! I think you can also supplement with an additional stalk of celery. (shrug)
• 3 medium carrots, peeled and small diced
• 2 medium parsnips, peeled and small diced
• 1 T finely chopped fresh sage leaves
• 1 T finely chopped fresh thyme
• 2/3 c. whole milk

Directions

• In a medium bowl, whisk together broth, wine, tomato paste, and flour until evenly combined and smooth. Stir in dried mushrooms and set aside to reconstitute, at least 30 minutes. Strain mushrooms before using, reserving liquid.
• Place potatoes in a large pot and cover with heavily salted water by 2 inches. Bring potatoes to a boil and cook until fork tender, about 20 to 30 minutes.
• Heat the oven on low broil and place a rack in the upper third. Meanwhile, melt 1 tablespoon of the butter in a 3 to 4 quart Dutch oven (or oven-safe saucepan) over medium-high heat. When it foams, add half the mushrooms and cook, stirring rarely, until mushrooms are browned, about 5 minutes. Remove mushrooms from the pan, season well with salt and remaining freshly ground black pepper, and set aside. Repeat to cook off remaining mushrooms.
• Return pan to stove over medium heat and add 1 T of the butter, onion, celery, and garlic, and cook until softened and golden, about 2 minutes. Add celery root (celeriac), carrots, parsnips, and herbs, and season well with salt and freshly-ground black pepper. Cook until browned and softened, about 6 minutes.
• Add wine mixture to pan and deglaze by stirring and scraping up any browned bits. Let cook until simmering and slightly thickened, about 3 minutes. Stir in reserved mushrooms and any juices that have accumulated and simmer until slightly thickened, about 8 minutes. Remove from heat and reserve in pan.
• When potatoes are ready, drain well. Return to pan and mash until uniformly smooth. Fold in remaining 2 T of butter and the milk, and season well with salt and freshly-ground black pepper. (You can also add cream cheese, sour cream, or cheddar cheese to the potatoes, per your own taste preference.) If necessary, keep warm over low heat.
• Dot potatoes over vegetable mixture and spread to edges of pan to cover completely. Rough up the edges of the potatoes so that there are bits that will get browned and crunchy. Broil until top is golden, about 15 to 20 minutes. Serve and enjoy!

Original link here.

AND as a special bonus...

Chocolate Stout Cupcakes with Bailey's Irish Cream Frosting!

The recipe I'm sharing is from the book Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World, my favorite go-to vegan cupcake recipe book, and it is delectable. Unfortunately Guinness is apparently not vegan (because apparently the isinglass used in the brewing process is made from fish bladders...? Or something? Tim can explain it to you if you're curious), so if you're picky about things like that then skip the Guinness and go for your favorite stout. But if that doesn't bother you too much then stick with the classic Guinness. I also don't think Bailey's Irish Cream is vegan (because of the cream - see how sharp I have become?) but... for Bailey's, I make exceptions. Always. :)

I'll post my own photo if I get a chance to make them this week, but if not, here's a little preview of the amazingness that awaits you:

Ingredients:

Vegan Chocolate Stout Cupcakes

• 3/4 cup soy milk (almond or coconut works too)
• 1 tsp. apple cider vinegar
• 1 cup plus 2 T all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup Dutch-processed cocoa powder
• 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. salt
• 1/4 cup stout (Guinness or otherwise)
• 3/4 cup granulated sugar
• 1/3 cup canola oil
• 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

Not-so-Vegan Bailey's Irish Cream Frosting

• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature
• 2 T Bailey's Irish Cream
• 2-3 cups confectioner's sugar

Original link here.

Directions

To make the cupcakes...

• Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F and line muffin pan with paper liners. In a small bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Set aside.
• By hand or with an electric mixer, whisk together the soy milk and vinegar in a large bowl. Let sit for 3-5 minutes. Add the stout (Guinness), sugar, oil, and vanilla to the soy milk mixture and beat until foamy. Add the dry ingredients in two batches and beat for about 2 minutes until well-incorporated.
• Pour batter into liners, filling them three-quarters of the way full. Bake 20 to 22 minutes, until the top springs back when lightly touched (or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean). Transfer to a wire rack and allow the cupcakes to cool completely before frosting.

To make the frosting...

• Beat the butter in the bowl of an electric mixer until creamy and smooth. Add the Bailey's and half of the confectioners sugar and beat until smooth. Add the second half of the sugar and beat until smooth.
• To frost the cupcakes, you can smooth the icing on with a knife, OR you can use a pastry bag to pipe on a design. If you don't have a pastry bag, you can use a Ziploc baggy too. Just fill the bag with frosting, cut a hole in one corner, pipe the frosting out in swirl onto the cupcake, and enjoy!

 

And lastly, an Irish Blessing for you...

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.

Count your joys instead of your woes;

Count your friends instead of your foes.

Count your smiles instead of your tears;

Count your courage instead of your fears.

Count your full years instead of your lean;

Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.

Count your health instead of your wealth;

Love your neighbor as much as yourself. 

Sacred Sundays: Embodiment

"In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die.
Where you invest your love, there you invest your life..." 

I could probably write an entire novel on embodiment, and in fact thousands of scholars already have. But as we were driving back home after a wonderful weekend with Tim's parents, the song "Awake My Soul" by Mumford and Sons came on, and I found myself reflecting on these two lines throughout the rest of the ride. This is the only body I will ever have. Yes, I know that our bodies are constantly changing (both in shape and size and cellular composition) but this space, this structure of skin and muscle and bone, is the only structure in which I will live and move and breathe throughout my entire life. It is my only constant companion, every moment of every day, and will exist even after my soul has left it, to fade back into the earth.

When I think about my body with that perspective... It helps me to realize how imperative it is for me to treat this body of mine with great care and love. As I saw on one of those motivational posters at the gym this weekend: "If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?" This body is my home.

Irish poet and philosopher John O'Donohue says it best:

The body is a sacrament. The old, traditional definition of sacrament captures this beautifully. A sacrament is a visible sign of invisible grace. In that definition there is a fine acknowledgment of how the unseen world comes to expression in the visible world. This desire for expression lies deep at the heart of the invisible world. All our inner life and intimacy of soul longs to find an outer mirror. It longs for a form in which it can be seen, felt, and touched. The body is the mirror where the secret world of the soul comes to expression. The body is the sacred threshold; and it deserves to be respected, minded, and understood in its spiritual nature.

The body is your only home in the universe. It is your house of belonging here in the world. It is a very sacred temple. To spend time in silence before the mystery of your body brings you toward wisdom and holiness.

The soul is not simply within the body, hidden somewhere within its recesses. The truth is rather the converse. Your body is in the soul, and the soul suffuses you completely. Therefore, all around you there is a secret and beautiful soul-light. This recognition suggests a new art of prayer: Close your eyes and relax into your body. Imagine a light all around you, the light of your soul. Then with your breath, draw that light into your body and bring it with your breath through every area of your body. This is a lovely way to pray, because you are bringing the soul-light, the shadowed shelter that surrounds you, right into the physical earth and clay of your presence.

I have tended to treat my body very unkindly. I have pushed it too hard, scrutinized it, berated it, and wounded it in my efforts to shape it into something it's just not. I have forced myself to pull all-nighters, have pushed through times of terrible stress without rest, have at times fed it too much of the wrong things and too little of the right and at times not fed it much at all. I have taken for granted these hands and feet, this extraordinary brain, these near-sighted but every wandering eyes, these lungs that fuel my body with precious air, this heart that never rests... And I imagine that most of you understand. It is so easy to forget about our bodies, the backgrounds of our lives, until those times when they grow weak or fail us.

I'm not bringing this up to make any of us feel bad, but more to draw attention to the exquisite, resilient bodies that have led us to this breath. They have fought off our infections and healed our wounds, and they are deserving of compassion and care.

So here's my blessing for you, on this first of our Sacred Sundays series: An Irish "Blessing for the Senses" to guide you through this St. Patrick's Day week ahead.

May your body be blessed.
May you realize that your body is a faithful and beautiful
     friend of your soul.
And may you be peaceful and joyful and recognize that your
     senses are sacred thresholds.
May you realize that holiness is mindful, gazing, feeling,
     hearing, and touching.
May your senses gather you and bring you home.
May your senses always enable you to celebrate the universe
    and the mystery and possibilities in your presence here.
May the Eros of the Earth bless you.

--John O'Donohue, Anam Cara (p.77)

TGIF: Pi Day Edition

TGIF - seriously, I'm thankful for the weekend. What a week...

But TGIF also stands for Trust, Gratitude, Inspiration, and Faith. The fabulous Brene Brown uses this as a format for a weekly reflection, and I was so drawn to the practice when I first read about it that I decided to borrow it. (Can you tell that Brene is one of my heroes?)

This week, I am trusting... that God is with us in our sorrows. So many people are hurting this week... and my heart is heavy. I've sat with a mother mourning the loss of her 20-week-old pre-term baby, ministered to two young men my age struggling with psychosis, and comforted a man over a century old as he said goodbye to his wife of 80 years. My co-workers and I have faced the unexpected loss of a fellow employee whose smile has brightened every day these past six months. Even after all of the theology courses and all of my readings on theodicy, I still feel anger well up within me over the loss of a baby who never got a chance to smile, and the loss of a vibrant, healthy 45-year-old man who will never be able to preach again. It just doesn't make sense, and I doubt that it ever will. But through it all, what gives me strength and hope is my trust that even when we're sad and angry and feeling like God can't possible hear us, we can find and feel God's presence in our tears. And when our hearts can't find the words to release our sorrows, our tears become our prayers.

I am grateful for... the little moments... My little niece pointing at a scab on my finger and saying, "Owwie" then giving it a kiss... Babette snoring loudly and snuggling up next to me on the couch... the brilliance of a sunset, the joy of seeing tiny little shoots peeking out of the long-frozen earth, the clink of silverware after a delicious meal with family.

I am inspired by... the courage and resilience of the people I encounter at work, particularly one woman who is struggling to get herself out of an abusive relationship right now.

I am nurturing my faith by... giving myself compassion in place of judgment when I overreact, lash out, or fail to do the most loving thing. This Lent I thought long and hard about what to commit myself to, because when you have a perfectionistic streak, you can tend to view Lent as another opportunity to strive for perfection and berate yourself for falling short of it. This is, predicatbly, an unhealthy cycle to go through each year, and it certainly doesn't strengthen my faith or help me to grow closer to God. I didn't want to do that to myself this year, but I wanted to commit myself to a Lenten discipline, so I decided to do one of the most (surprisingly) difficult things of all: to give up negative self-talk. Instead, I'm trying to replace my often harsh words -- and isn't it strange how we can say things to ourselves that we would never say to another? -- with the compassion others show me, the compassion I believe God has for each of us. In turn, I'm trying to focus on being a voice of compassion to those around me, particularly my husband, who sees me at my worst and bears the brunt of my daily angst/anxiety after a long, hard week like this one. 

May you all be blessed with peace and compassion tonight, my friends.

Thoughtful Thursday: On Futures Without Violence, & Why I'm Running

Thoughtful Thursday is the day when I'll share an in-depth post on a topic that's close to my heart. For this first week, I thought it would be important for me to share a bit more about why I'm writing this blog, why I'm raising money for Futures Without Violence, and where I see the link between the work of that organization and the work of this "Fitness Without Violence" blog.

I'm sharing this blog because I believe that body acceptance (and really, self-acceptance) is a subject that most women have struggled with to varying degrees, and it is important for us to come together to share our stories and to lift one another up. Insecurity and shame only grow stronger in our silence and in our isolation, so I'm writing this blog in an effort to draw us together on a topic I think most of us can relate to: how to keep our bodies healthy while preserving self-love and acceptance along the way.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in on a group session on our Adult Psychiatric unit. Of the seven women who came, five of them shared a history of abuse. Five of seven. Over two thirds. According to the CDC, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year in the United States, and an average of one in four American women will experience abuse at some time in their lives (35% of women globally). An estimated ONE BILLION women will be victims of violence in their lifetimes. On average, more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States (1,181 in 2005). And these numbers may not even be an accurate representation of reality: the U.S. Department of Justice believes that domestic violence is one of the most chronically underreported crimes.

These statistics appall and anger me, because they are so much more than mere statistics: these numbers are all attached to a face, to eyes that fill with tears when they reflect back on their partner's anger and hostility, to wrists bruised by aggressive hands, to precious spirits broken by fear. Many of these women have children who watched from a distance, bravely tried to intervene, or suffered physical violence themselves. And for all the physical violence that so many women and children have suffered, millions more have also suffered pyschological and emotional abuse, which leaves just as deep of scars. If anything, the scars of this psychological abuse are even deeper and more insidious, for they cannot be as readily observed and leave wounds on the soul.

I don't claim to be an expert on domestic violence, and I have never personally suffered abuse of the kind I've just described. But I recognize that I am in the privileged position of having worked with those who have suffered in my ministry, and I have walked alongside countless women who have suffered violence I can't even imagine. I can never un-hear the stories I've heard, or un-see the scars I've seen, and while I don't presume to speak for all women who have experienced this violence firsthand, I do know that I cannot remain silent.

Somewhere along their journey, and through no fault of their own, most of these women have slowly come to believe that they are not worthy of love and respect. For many, their initial cracks of insecurity were repeatedly battered down over time by partners who took advantage and took control in violent and aggressive ways, until many of these women began to believe that they were deserving of the violence inflicted upon them, that it was their own fault. Others may have entered the abusive relationship with healthy self-esteem, but over time the humiliation and degradation of their partners started to erode their confidence, isolate them from their families and communities, disempower them economically, and bury them into a lifestyle of fear, shame, and emotional impairment. The many tales of domestic violence are varied and complex, and every woman's story is different, but at the core of all these stories we see women forced to question, fight for, or even surrender their basic human dignity.

Somewhere along our own journey, each one of us has struggled to resist those voices that repeatedly tell us that we are not worthy of love and respect, not until we look a certain way or present a certain image to the outside world. We all have cracks of insecurity in us, and all of us have struggled at points to remain rooted in self-love when the the strongest voices of the world seem determined to beat us down. We have all struggled to accept the love others share with us that we are sometimes reluctant or unable to give ourselves, and have grappled with feelings of shame and unworthiness. While I pray that none of you have experienced physical or emotional abuse, I do believe that at the core of our shared journey, all of us have had times in our lives when we've been forced to question our worth and fight to protect our own human dignity.

This is what draws us together on this journey, and this is why I feel that it's so vital for us to continue to address the broader issues of violence against women as we address body image and health: because violence against women feeds off of the belief that women do not possess equal and inherent human dignity, and we are bombarded on all sides by this destructive belief, masked in so many varied forms. Where women in abusive relationships have this violent message thrown at them from the person closest to them, they and we also experience these messages in the media, in popular culture, in the news, and in our daily lives and relationships. We absorb all of the misogynistic advertisements and degrading "entertainment" beyond saturation, and from the moment we're born we're bombarded by messages of what we need to do in order to be appropriately adapt to our prescribed gender norms. As women, we are told to wear pink, to play with dolls, to be seen and not heard, to cover up our every flaw, to be chaste and modest enough to prevent drawing too much attention but sexy enough to be pleasing to the male gaze, to be thin but not too thin, curvy but not too fat, intelligent but not nerdy, assertive enough to seem confident but passive enough to avoid causing discomfort, a tomboy who's "one of the guys" and yet feminine, to be able to bounce right back to our pre-baby weight, to be working independent women and nurturing mothers all at once, to smooth out our wrinkles, to defy the aging process, and on and on and on.

All of you already know this. You know that these things are demanded of women today, and I don't need to say much more about them (and the many more messages thrown at us) now.

But try as we do to resist these message and to embrace our uniqueness and our imperfections, we often find ourselves getting swept up in these expectations, particularly during adolescence and young adulthood. And sometimes we internalize these messages so deeply that we start to repeat these violent messages back to ourselves: that we are not enough, that we are weak or lazy or ugly or bad, that our efforts to take care of ourselves and nurture our own spirits are selfish, that we need to be all things to all people and must always strive to be more than who we are.

We are constantly taught by our society to believe that we have to fight for our own worth. We are taught that women need to earn the right to be human. It's exhausting. It's dehumanizing. It does a violence to us all. And it needs to stop.

This is why I'm running.

I'm running in this race because when I looked at the pictures on the Mudderella website I felt empowered and proud to be a woman. I'm running because, in the words of my wise mother, "Life is TOO SHORT for wasted, self-loathing energy" and I see this as an opportunity to celebrate the strength of my body and practice self-love. I'm running because I hope that my efforts to "own my strong" can inspire other women to do the same. Above all, I'm running on behalf of all those women who can't "own their strong" or even see the strength and resilience they have inside that I have seen time and time again in my ministry... for those bogged down by eating and mental health disorders, those trapped in abusive relationships, and especially all those whose battles against these trials have cost them their own lives.

Here is the Futures Without Violence mission statement:

Futures Without Violence (FUTURES) is a leading national nonprofit and social change organization working to end and prevent dating and domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault by providing resources and support for victims and survivors, and raising awareness through educational programs all throughout the country.

I strongly believe in the work of this organization, and hope that I can raise a little money to help them advance their mission, if only in a small way. But more importantly, I hope that I can help generate a conversation and spread awareness about the issues for which they're working. So many people out there are suffering, thousands (likely millions) of them silently, and it takes the devotion of groups like this and the courage of each one of us to speak out about these issues and to support those in need.

So speak out, friends. Speak out on behalf of those whose voices have fallen silent. Speak love in the face of hatred, whisper warmth and acceptance into the frigidity of judgment, and breathe healing into inner wounds. This journey of learning how to love others, the greatest lesson of our lives, starts with learning to love yourself. So claim that inner worth: you don't have to fight for it.

You are already enough.

If you take anything away from any of the words I ever post, may it be this. You are "worthy now" and you are already enough.

Workout Wednesday: 5 Bodyweight Exercises

I can't, in good conscience, write this post without first sharing yet another confession. I have completely fallen out of my workout routine during the past couple of weeks! It feels very hypocritical of me to be blogging about journeying to fitness when I've slipped out of my healthy routine... but you know, it happens to all of us. I've been busy at work, have had a lot of papers and big presentations, have been trying to support my sister (who has been sick with pneumonia during her pregnancy) and spend time with my niece, and I've been devoting my spare time to reading and to this blog. On many of the days that I planned to work out, it came down to questions like, "What will be best for my health today: going home so I can work out, or reading this book to my niece and then playing with her during bathtime?" As much as I value my physical health and fitness, I know that time with family will often fall as a higher priority for me, and that's okay! We all go through difficult stretches and slip out of healthful routines, but the important thing is that once we recognize that we've fallen out of balance, we try again.

And so it was with great trepidation but even greater determination that I returned to the gym this evening. And let me tell you, I could feel every single one of those Girl Scout cookies I've been sneaking in the workroom between patient visits when I got on that elliptical. It wasn't a pretty workout, but anything is better than nothing. Huzzah!

Now then. I've decided that in my effort to present a holistic and well-rounded blog, I need to include some workout resources (one, because exercise and strength training are awesome, and two, because this will actually force me to try out some different workouts so I don't fall into a rut). I've been exploring some different fitness blogs, and will try to link solely to blogs I find empowering and affirming. We see too many unrealistic images of women as it is, so you'll never see me sending you to sites like Cosmo -- I've found that it just does too much damage to my psyche, however subconsciously, and I don't wish to risk inflicting that on anyone else.

I noticed myself instantly falling into that perfectionism trap when I started perusing fitness blogs... eg. "Hmm... I wonder what I'd have to do to make it onto the 'Best Fitness Blogs of 2014' list?"... But I called myself out on that pretty quickly. I'm not a fitness expert, and I'm not going to pretend that I am! You can rest assured that if these workouts are totally foreign to you or just plain beastly hard for you, you're not alone. I'm right there struggling with you! :)

Now then. For today's workout, I wanted to post some exercises that you can do without any special equipment. (I'll try to keep them all simple like this, if possible, because all I have hanging around the house are some free weights, a yoga mat, and a random band thing that I don't know how to use very well yet!) Most of these exercises are familiar to you, and they come from the blog Girls Gone Strong. 

You can access the original article here but I'll also list them below (with some additional comments!).

Pullups

Okay, so when I was in high school gym and we had fitness testing done, my friend Laura was like this amazing pull-up MACHINE! ...and I was never able to do one. Not a single one. But apparently, there's still hope for me! The gals at Girls Gone Strong have posted an article about how to work up to an unassisted pull-up, and I am bound and determined to make it happen. You just wait and see, blog world. 

Single leg squats/pistol squats

From the article:
"Squats are often hailed as the king of exercises for what they do for your glutes and their total body effect. Single leg and pistol squats will help you with your bilateral squats, but also increase stability and sculpt your booty. The great thing about squatting one leg is that you don’t really need any equipment, since just using your bodyweight is an incredible challenge. Start by squatting to a box at a height that you can control, and consider raising your arms out in front, or even a light weight, to create a counter balance and increase stability."

Handstands

I literally laughed out loud when I saw this one and tried to picture myself doing it. After I was able to get visions of tumbling bookshelves from misplaced kicks and noise complaints from the downstairs neighbors out of my head, I decided there was probably some wisdom in what they had to say. Handstands are awesome for your core, and they recommend starting by trying to do one against a wall or with some assistance. There are probably all sorts of videos and things out there on this... so I'll just let you find them for now, as it's going to be a while before I'll be able to do a free-standing handstand!


Split squats/reverse lunges

You don't have to do these with weights like she does in this video, but here's a Girls Gone Strong video showing this simple move:

Pushups

Oh, the dreaded push-up. Another bane of my high school fitness testing existence, but again, amazing for core and upper body strength. Here's some more Girls Gone Strong advice on this:

"Instead of starting on your knees, try placing your hands on an incline so that you can do a full pushup with assistance. You’ll want to keep your abs braced, glutes and quads tight, and your body in a straight line from ear to ankle. When you go down, squeeze your shoulder blades together, and when you come up push them apart to engage your shoulder stabilizing muscles.

Eventually you can move down to the floor, and once you can do 10 on the floor, try adding load by putting a weight on your back or wearing a weighted vest."

Stay tuned for next week's Workout Wednesday: Core Strength!

Tuesdays With Brene: Worthy Now

Alright, team. Two nights of posting in a row - woo hoo! This calls for some celebration via a spoonful of Nutella. :)

Now then... I'm sure you've heard of the book Tuesdays with Morrie (but if not it's definitely worth a read!). The book is about the relationship that the author, Mitch Albom, formed with a former college professor as his professor neared death. The book is a tale of the unique relationship and mentorship between the two of them.

I'll confess that the plot of that book has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to my relationship with Brene Brown... but because it's Tuesday, and I needed a Tuesday theme, I figured I would steal the title.

That said, though she has absolutely no idea who I am, Brene has come to mean a lot to me recently. Over the past three months I have been reading Brene's book The Gifts of Imperfection, as well as watching several of her talks on vulnerability and shame resilience as part of my CPE curriculum. I've been deeply moved by her work and have taken it to heart. This book is really what gave me the courage to start up this blog, and as difficult and painful as some of this internal work has been, I have ultimately found it to be cathartic and liberating.

This book has meant so much to me that I've decided to share some of my favorite excerpts of it with all of you! I'll also regularly post links to Brene's TED talks, because that format may work better for many of you.

Here's an excerpt from the section "Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough":

Love and belonging are essential to the human experience. As I conducted my interviews, I realized that the only one thing separated the men and women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seem to be struggling for it. That one thing is the belief in their worthiness. It's as simple and complicated as this: If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness - the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don't fit with who we think we're supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our sense of worthiness -- that critically important piece that gives us access to love and belonging -- lives inside of our story.

The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn't have prerequisites. So many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

• I'll be worthy when I lost twenty pounds. 
• I'll be worthy when I can get pregnant. 
• I'll be worthy if I get/stay sober. 
• I'll be worthy if everyone thinks I'm a good person. 
• I'll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together. 
• I'll be worthy when I make partner. I
• I'll be worthy when my parents finally approve. 
• I'll be worthy if he calls back and asks me out. 
• I'll be worthy when I can do it all and look like I'm not even trying.

Here's what is truly at the heart of Wholeheartedness: Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

Goodnight, and may you rest in worthiness and love, friends.

Meatless Mondays: Monk Bowl

I've decided that I need to create a little more structure to this blog, in part to avoid the writing paralysis I described in my last post (because the longer I go without posting, the more pressure I feel to produce a brilliant post), and in part because I've realized that there's a wide array of things I want to share with all of you! I want this blog to address mind, body, and spirit, so I'm going to break it down into a different theme for each day of the week. I'll try to keep up with it as best I can, but this is a judgment-free zone (and that includes self-judgment!) so if I miss a day or two here or there, so be it.

Today I'd like to introduce a topic that is near and dear to my heart: cruelty-free dining! As most of you know, I've been vegetarian for eight and a half years now (attempted semi-vegan/localtarian for three), and this journey has expanded my culinary horizons as well as opened my heart. When I think about what it means to engage in "fitness without violence," I inevitably find myself thinking about the role that vegetarianism and my efforts to eat humanely play in my overall health. I choose not to eat meat for a wide variety of reasons (most of which I'll probably explore at some point... just not in too much depth today), and I try to support local, sustainable, and humane egg and cheese producers and vegetable farmers. I do this because I believe that with every purchase we make, we make an impact on the world. Vegan baker extraordinaire Colleen Patrick-Goudreau says it best: 

"Individually and collectively, we all say we want to make a difference in the world, find meaning in our lives, and create meaning in the lives of others. We want to make a positive contribution to the world and leave it a better place than we found it. Many people say these things, but they realize that to make a difference, they may have do to something different. They don't realize the power they have to make this happen, and some don't even try. I learned long ago that it's not that we can make a difference in the world, it's that we do make a difference in the world - every day, with every choice we make. Every action we take, every product we buy, every dollar we spend, everything we do has an effect on something or someone else. There are no neutral actions. I think this idea is both frightening and empowering for many. It's frightening because it means we're responsible and have a tremendous amount of power. It's empowering because it means we're responsible and have a tremendous amount of power. We get to choose not whether we want to make a difference but whether we want to make a positive or negative difference."

--The Joy of Vegan Baking

Basically, as much as we would love to pretend that nobody gets harmed by our seemingly innocuous decisions (like grabbing a burger for lunch), every choice we make impacts the world in some way, and the sad truth is that unless you pay close attention, the vast majority of food at our disposal has a highly negative cost. There are terrible human rights issues at stake in food production, both animal and plant, and even though it's exhausting to try to stay informed about your food's sourcing, ultimately we have the opportunity to choose compassion and non-violence with every meal. I'm not perfect on this issue - none of us are - but I try my best to choose compassionately and to invest in food wisely.

I also choose to eat vegetarian because I've discovered that adopting this diet has helped me to become more mindful about what I put into my body. I try to choose foods that will nourish my body and give it strength, and to incorporate as many greens (I am obsessed with kale!) into my diet as possible, because they're what my body craves for energy. Vegetarianism helps me to listen more closely to what my body needs and to pay closer attention to the quality of the food I consume. Ultimately what it comes down to is that this is a lifestyle that nourishes both my body and my soul, and becoming vegetarian was one of the best decisions of my life.

I'm not here to convert you or force you to stop eating meal cold-turkey (hah - get it?). I simply want to draw some awareness to how our food consumption impacts not only our bodies but the broader world, and to invite you into conversation and reflection on your food choices. I also want to share with you some of the delicious recipes I've found that nourish my body and, hopefully, have a positive impact on the world.

Therefore, I hereby introduce...

Meatless Mondays! 

...Okay, so I wanted to think I was the first to come up with this fabulous slogan but apparently there's this whole awesome movement already in place. And here's the little promo video, just to give you a bit more info!

Every Monday I'm going to share a vegan or vegetarian recipe with you. I'd love for you to give Meatless Monday a try for yourself (because every meal makes a difference!) but again, no pressure from me. :)

This week's recipe is from The 30-Minute Vegan, and it's one of Tim's and my favorite recipes. It's quick, easily adaptable based upon what veggies are in season, and crammed full of delicious, healthy goodness. It's called Monk Bowl (for the "Zen simplicity" of the dish - a protein, a grain, and a green).

Monk Bowl 
(serves 4)

Ingredients:

1.5 cups uncooked quinoa (we prefer red)

3 cups water or vegetable stock

1 lb. extra-firm tofu, drained and pressed dry

2 T. soy sauce

1 T. coconut oil or other oil

2 T. water

8 cups assorted mixed vegetables - try broccoli, carrots, zucchini, or other favorites (we always toss in kale!)

Flax oil or oil of choice

Nutritional yeast (optional)

Soy sauce or sea salt (optional)

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Place the quinoa in a small pot with 3 cups of water over high heat. Bring to a boil. Lower the heat to a simmer, cover, and cook until all of the liquid is absorbed, about 15 minutes.
   
2. While the quinoa is cooking, cube the tofu by slicing the 1 lb. block into thirds or fourths, pausing to press the liquid out of the cutlets before cubing. Place cubed tofu in a small bowl with the soy sauce, oil, and water. Allow to marinate for 5 minutes, stirring frequently. Place the tofu and marinade ingredients on a baking tray and roast for 15 minutes.
   
3. While the tofu and quinoa are cooking, take a breath and begin the third part of the symphony. (That's literally what it says in the book, haha!) Add about 1 inch of water to a medium size pot with a steamer basket inside. Turn the heat to medium-high. Cut up your vegetables of choice and steam them until tender, about 8 minutes, depending on the vegetables.
   
4. When the quinoa is done cooking, fluff it up with a fork. Place the quinoa in a bowl, top with the steamed vegetables and tofu, and season with flax oil, nutritional yeast, and soy salt or seal salt to taste.

Substitutions: If you've tried and tried to like tofu but still can't stand the texture, you can replace the tofu with beans. Simply heat a can of your favorite (pinto, cannellini, and black-eyed peas work especially well), or reheat pre-cooled beans. You can also replace the quinoa with pasta (brown rice noodles and soba or udon, perhaps) or rice, and you can also add whatever sauce you would to the recipe.  Basically... there are endless variations and combinations to this! Be creative and enjoy.

Alrighty, that's all for tonight because I am le tired. Hope you enjoy your first Meatless Monday meal, if you try it this week, and that you're all having a wonderful start to the week!

More to come tomorrow - stay tuned for the Tuesday theme reveal. :)

On Writing Paralysis

First off, a big thank you to all those who have offered support and sent me messages since I launched this blog a week and a half ago!  To those who have asked, yes, I am in a much better place right now, and have been doing a great deal of healing with regard to self-image over the past several years. I have been well-supported along this journey! And to those of you still in the midst of your healing -- and aren't we all, really? I think learning to love ourselves and our bodies is a lifelong process! -- just know that you're not alone, and that you have my support and prayers.

Now... you may have noticed that I published that first post with a burst of enthusiasm and then fell off the face of the earth for the week. Again! This is the trend I've seen with myself in recent years. I start up a blog, convinced that I'm going to commit myself to a writing practice with discipline and passion, write for a few months on an important topic, get noticed by Nicholas Kristof for my prolific words on women's issues and became a widely-read author who changes the world. But after the first post I suddenly find myself stuck, tripping on words... paralyzed. 

Which makes sense, right? It's a little bit of pressure to post something (or even get the words out) when you've convinced yourself that you need to write brilliant, beautiful, prose that changes the world. But that's the kind of pressure I put on myself internally! Yesterday as I was talking about my writing troubles with Tim, he said, "It's not like anyone expects you to be a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist." Before I could even stop myself, I blurted out, "But I do!"

You'd think I'd have recognized that this was an unhealthy way to approach writing earlier in my life, particularly when I was gripped by debilitating anxiety as I fought to complete my masters thesis in time to graduate... but it took me until a month ago to actually notice that I had a problem with perfectionism. I'm in the beginning stages of recovery now, working hard to be what Brene Brown calls a "good enough-ist," but I recently learned that perfectionism has been plaguing me for years. Oh, the bliss of denial... More on this subject to come in the months ahead.

So yes. Writing has been hard for me these past few years, for many of the aforementioned and yet-to-be-explored reasons. But the funny thing is... this time around, it's not that I can't get the words out. I've had my next post ready for a week. It's that I can't seem to click on the "publish" button.

This never used to be an issue with me before Facebook. Back when I had my first blog in high school, I wrote much more freely, perhaps liberated by the illusion of anonymity and by the apparent lack of a "public gaze." The blog was just an extension of my journal: an open canvas, a space of exploration and freedom and poetry and struggle (usually masked in rosy, happy endings).

But everything changed when I got to college, and I slowly slipped into self-consciousness. I'm not even sure how it happened, and I can't blame Facebook entirely... but over time I began to feel that I needed to craft my online image in a particular way. Part of this was practical - you don't want to share too much personal info, particularly if future employers search your name, etc. - but part of it was much more subtle and insidious. You see, as I've grown older, I've honed the art of paying attention to everyone around me, of anticipating and meeting others' needs, of peacekeeping. This is one of the skills that best strengthens my ministry, and this other-focusedness (yay for making up words again! I've missed this.) has become a major part of my identity. (On the Enneagram spectrum, for those of you who are familiar, I'm a 9.) But the cost of this is that in my desire to keep harmony with others, I've silenced my own voice, and in my desire to be all things to all people, I've lost sight of who I really am underneath all my layers of placation. I've slowly and carefully, though largely unconsciously, built up a wall around me by sharing all the "good" stuff on Facebook and leaving out the bad. Even as I've tried to grow more courageous in sharing my opinions and beliefs on relevant current events/issues, I feel that I've shared and risked less and less of myself. Sure, I've shared articles... but I haven't been brave enough to take a stance as strongly as the authors of those articles, to attach my name to a story and toss it out there into the winds of the world. 

So this is kind of scary, y'all. I feel pretty exposed, and I haven't felt this way in a long, long time. And I haven't even written very much yet! But even this post stirs up a strange sort of anxiety in me, an anxiety that comes from wanting to be seen and accepted for who I am but fearing the risks of baring my soul through writing. Ever the self-critic, I find myself already falling short of the exceedingly high expectations I've placed upon myself... and the voice of my inner anxiety is doing everything it can to convince me that the world is watching, and that I will be judged and "found out." In reality, there may not even be much of an audience out there reading these posts, and I know that the vast majority of you reading this now are exceptionally kind and loving, but deep inside I still feel this irrational fear that the world will discover that I'm not to be as smart, as articulate, as good a writer, as [fill in the blank] as people expect me to be.

And the saddest part is... no matter how many kind words I receive, I'll never be able to really internalize and accept them unless I'm able to open my own heart to myself. This is the destruction of the shame that most of us carry deep within us: the fear that propels us to put up walls to protect ourselves also creates a barrier that prevents us from our receiving others' love. So no matter how many nice messages or kind words I receive (and believe me, I am grateful for them), in the end the affirmation and approval that I seek from others isn't what I need. As cliche as it may sound, what I need the most is the affirmation that can only come from inside.

I don't particularly want to hit the "publish" button right now. And I can virtually guarantee you that before I publish this and these next posts, I will pore over them and edit each and every word countless times before working up the courage to click on that little orange box. But my goal for this blog was to work on sharing parts of my story of my relationship with myself (mind, body, spirit) with all of you, and this writing paralysis has been a major part of my story these past few years. And I have a sneaking suspicion that it's going to be a factor in my efforts to sustain this blog.

So here goes nothing.

...

I've been trying desperately to figure out a brilliant ending to this post. Just now Tim looked over at me and said, "Are you okay?" because I apparently look pretty angst-ridden. And I replied "Well I'm trying to finish this blog post on writing paralysis. But I have writing paralysis..."

That about sums it up.