Thoughtful Thursday: On Futures Without Violence, & Why I'm Running

Thoughtful Thursday is the day when I'll share an in-depth post on a topic that's close to my heart. For this first week, I thought it would be important for me to share a bit more about why I'm writing this blog, why I'm raising money for Futures Without Violence, and where I see the link between the work of that organization and the work of this "Fitness Without Violence" blog.

I'm sharing this blog because I believe that body acceptance (and really, self-acceptance) is a subject that most women have struggled with to varying degrees, and it is important for us to come together to share our stories and to lift one another up. Insecurity and shame only grow stronger in our silence and in our isolation, so I'm writing this blog in an effort to draw us together on a topic I think most of us can relate to: how to keep our bodies healthy while preserving self-love and acceptance along the way.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to sit in on a group session on our Adult Psychiatric unit. Of the seven women who came, five of them shared a history of abuse. Five of seven. Over two thirds. According to the CDC, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year in the United States, and an average of one in four American women will experience abuse at some time in their lives (35% of women globally). An estimated ONE BILLION women will be victims of violence in their lifetimes. On average, more than three women a day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in the United States (1,181 in 2005). And these numbers may not even be an accurate representation of reality: the U.S. Department of Justice believes that domestic violence is one of the most chronically underreported crimes.

These statistics appall and anger me, because they are so much more than mere statistics: these numbers are all attached to a face, to eyes that fill with tears when they reflect back on their partner's anger and hostility, to wrists bruised by aggressive hands, to precious spirits broken by fear. Many of these women have children who watched from a distance, bravely tried to intervene, or suffered physical violence themselves. And for all the physical violence that so many women and children have suffered, millions more have also suffered pyschological and emotional abuse, which leaves just as deep of scars. If anything, the scars of this psychological abuse are even deeper and more insidious, for they cannot be as readily observed and leave wounds on the soul.

I don't claim to be an expert on domestic violence, and I have never personally suffered abuse of the kind I've just described. But I recognize that I am in the privileged position of having worked with those who have suffered in my ministry, and I have walked alongside countless women who have suffered violence I can't even imagine. I can never un-hear the stories I've heard, or un-see the scars I've seen, and while I don't presume to speak for all women who have experienced this violence firsthand, I do know that I cannot remain silent.

Somewhere along their journey, and through no fault of their own, most of these women have slowly come to believe that they are not worthy of love and respect. For many, their initial cracks of insecurity were repeatedly battered down over time by partners who took advantage and took control in violent and aggressive ways, until many of these women began to believe that they were deserving of the violence inflicted upon them, that it was their own fault. Others may have entered the abusive relationship with healthy self-esteem, but over time the humiliation and degradation of their partners started to erode their confidence, isolate them from their families and communities, disempower them economically, and bury them into a lifestyle of fear, shame, and emotional impairment. The many tales of domestic violence are varied and complex, and every woman's story is different, but at the core of all these stories we see women forced to question, fight for, or even surrender their basic human dignity.

Somewhere along our own journey, each one of us has struggled to resist those voices that repeatedly tell us that we are not worthy of love and respect, not until we look a certain way or present a certain image to the outside world. We all have cracks of insecurity in us, and all of us have struggled at points to remain rooted in self-love when the the strongest voices of the world seem determined to beat us down. We have all struggled to accept the love others share with us that we are sometimes reluctant or unable to give ourselves, and have grappled with feelings of shame and unworthiness. While I pray that none of you have experienced physical or emotional abuse, I do believe that at the core of our shared journey, all of us have had times in our lives when we've been forced to question our worth and fight to protect our own human dignity.

This is what draws us together on this journey, and this is why I feel that it's so vital for us to continue to address the broader issues of violence against women as we address body image and health: because violence against women feeds off of the belief that women do not possess equal and inherent human dignity, and we are bombarded on all sides by this destructive belief, masked in so many varied forms. Where women in abusive relationships have this violent message thrown at them from the person closest to them, they and we also experience these messages in the media, in popular culture, in the news, and in our daily lives and relationships. We absorb all of the misogynistic advertisements and degrading "entertainment" beyond saturation, and from the moment we're born we're bombarded by messages of what we need to do in order to be appropriately adapt to our prescribed gender norms. As women, we are told to wear pink, to play with dolls, to be seen and not heard, to cover up our every flaw, to be chaste and modest enough to prevent drawing too much attention but sexy enough to be pleasing to the male gaze, to be thin but not too thin, curvy but not too fat, intelligent but not nerdy, assertive enough to seem confident but passive enough to avoid causing discomfort, a tomboy who's "one of the guys" and yet feminine, to be able to bounce right back to our pre-baby weight, to be working independent women and nurturing mothers all at once, to smooth out our wrinkles, to defy the aging process, and on and on and on.

All of you already know this. You know that these things are demanded of women today, and I don't need to say much more about them (and the many more messages thrown at us) now.

But try as we do to resist these message and to embrace our uniqueness and our imperfections, we often find ourselves getting swept up in these expectations, particularly during adolescence and young adulthood. And sometimes we internalize these messages so deeply that we start to repeat these violent messages back to ourselves: that we are not enough, that we are weak or lazy or ugly or bad, that our efforts to take care of ourselves and nurture our own spirits are selfish, that we need to be all things to all people and must always strive to be more than who we are.

We are constantly taught by our society to believe that we have to fight for our own worth. We are taught that women need to earn the right to be human. It's exhausting. It's dehumanizing. It does a violence to us all. And it needs to stop.

This is why I'm running.

I'm running in this race because when I looked at the pictures on the Mudderella website I felt empowered and proud to be a woman. I'm running because, in the words of my wise mother, "Life is TOO SHORT for wasted, self-loathing energy" and I see this as an opportunity to celebrate the strength of my body and practice self-love. I'm running because I hope that my efforts to "own my strong" can inspire other women to do the same. Above all, I'm running on behalf of all those women who can't "own their strong" or even see the strength and resilience they have inside that I have seen time and time again in my ministry... for those bogged down by eating and mental health disorders, those trapped in abusive relationships, and especially all those whose battles against these trials have cost them their own lives.

Here is the Futures Without Violence mission statement:

Futures Without Violence (FUTURES) is a leading national nonprofit and social change organization working to end and prevent dating and domestic violence, child abuse, and sexual assault by providing resources and support for victims and survivors, and raising awareness through educational programs all throughout the country.

I strongly believe in the work of this organization, and hope that I can raise a little money to help them advance their mission, if only in a small way. But more importantly, I hope that I can help generate a conversation and spread awareness about the issues for which they're working. So many people out there are suffering, thousands (likely millions) of them silently, and it takes the devotion of groups like this and the courage of each one of us to speak out about these issues and to support those in need.

So speak out, friends. Speak out on behalf of those whose voices have fallen silent. Speak love in the face of hatred, whisper warmth and acceptance into the frigidity of judgment, and breathe healing into inner wounds. This journey of learning how to love others, the greatest lesson of our lives, starts with learning to love yourself. So claim that inner worth: you don't have to fight for it.

You are already enough.

If you take anything away from any of the words I ever post, may it be this. You are "worthy now" and you are already enough.